'Keep it positive, but keep it real'.

I want to do both, but there are some times when my desire to feel positive wanes. I'm just weary. This is my little place to let it out, it is better than having it fester inside me. A lot of what I feel is just yearnings for something more, more than just being there to clean up vomit spills and scrub commodes. Yes I know that God puts a high value on that work so it is really hard to complain about it, especially in an age where so many people have no jobs at all. I had to remind myself of that today. I told myself, 'you're free to feel what you like, to be frustrated, to feel helpless, but don't lose sight of the fact that you have work'. It's like I have two people inside me, one who is glad for the work and the other who wants so much more. I am just like anyone else, even if I don't verbalize it often. I feel scared and worried and frustrated, depressed and lonely just like everybody else. And there are many times when I feel like absolute crap, and not necessarily in a physical sense. I find it very very hard to say any of this to even my closest friends, because of the same old fear of rejection and the fear that I will be misunderstood and rejected or criticized.